This is the PM I just got from Dlayed.

THANK YOU for making me realize how NO OTHER GUY CAN EVER COMPARE.

Does that make you feel better?

Are you going to whine to everyone on MSN about this? Do you know how many PMs I get saying…”Oh no he’s talking to me on MSN now. GROSS” HAHAHAHAHA. “Maybe I can get him to do dirty stuff and take screen shots and post it on the naughty boards”

The fact of the matter is I am happy and YOU ARE MISERABLE. So you have to keep bringing it up so that maybe someone will feel sorry for your pathetic ass.

Now are you happy?”

This is so coming out of my ass, and I’m too lazy to get ‘proof’ atm (rough draft kinda thing?)

Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night and had this thought: WTF is wrong with society?

I think I know (a little at least)

Basically, its people.

In some cultures rasing kids it the job of everyone.  This behaviour is seen is old world and new world apes, if my memory is serving me correctly.

Now, kids are taught not to talk to anyone they don’t know.  Not to answer the phone or the door.  Not to take things from strangers (Odd how we have the mail man that comes 6 days and the FedEx/DHL guys (and ladies too) who come every once in a while). 

But then we send them to school with strangers.  Most of the kids in the class.  The teachers.  The janitors,  The principal.  The average parent will not know who these people are on a personal basis.  I know this is different for kids of teachers and such but we all know how they turn out

The kids are taught from a young age to mistrust everyone.  How is society going to function, as a whole, when everyone mistrusts everyone else?

In the case of the apes, and other cultures, there are not that many members in the group.  Those that break the norms are exiled (sometimes).

I guess that’s the end of my creative flow for the moment …

“I remember when all the games began.
Remember every little lie(every little lie),
And every last goodbye.
Promises you broke, words you choked on.
And I never walked away,
Its still a mystery to me.”
-The Bleeding, Five Finger Death Punch

My only fear was being alone in the end.

I’ve changed my opinion on that.

I’d rather be alone in the end, as long as I am myself.

I’d rather be alone than be someone I am not.

Now all I need to do is figure out who that person really is.

I must confess that I have not been so happy in such a long time.

I am happy, infatuated, excited, nervous, I cannot sit still, and I cannot (for the life of me) quit thinking about this guy.

Its hard to put this into words.  He wrote me a poem.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had someone write me a poem before :p

I fixed my being an asshole problem, and I’ll be the first to admit that it was probably not the way that anyone had planned.  I know that it was the best option for me.  I cannot raise kids with someone who will teach them his own beliefs but not mine.  I cannot be happy like that.  I also cannot live with someone who would hate me for what I chose to do with my body.  I take pills every fucking day.  I wake up, at the same time, weather or not I have to, not depending on when I’ve gone to sleep, because if I take that pill a little too late then I *may* ovulate.  Its not fair, and realationships should be as fair as possible.  Wtf did he ever do to prevent it?

Do you ever just sit there and think to yourself, “I’m an asshole.”

I am.

I feel like one.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’m such a horrible person and yet, I can’t fucking stop doing what I’m doing and I don’t know why.  I don’t want to be an ass.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I didn’t even mean for it to happen like this

Car crash on Jan 6

Bladder/Kidney infection

Then They found the cyst

2 Ultrasounds

Kidney damage

Abnormal pap test, second year in a row

and I have HPV, and I found out after I had Guardicil

Whatever its called were they use binaculars to look up my vag, put vinegar on my cervex, and scrap chunks off the inside and the outside (PAIN)

Laproscopic sugery.  First thing I hear upon waking is “It was hairy, and the kind that grows teeth” and a moaning girl.

More abnormal paps.

AND NOW

I have a fucking cavity.  I’ve never had a cavity.  I don’t even know what happens when you do get them.

And I have another sugery, oral, removal of my wisdom teeth and jaw fixing.  But my teeth are impacted, coming in, ruining my 5k smile.  June 16th couldn’t come faster.

*dies*

But maybe I’ll meet Flece at MAC soon?

[Chorus:]
She’s gonna break soon
Gonna break soon
Gonna break soon
She’s gonna break soon
Gonna break soon
Gonna break soon
With so many problems in her life it just comes as no surprise
She’s gonna break soon
Gonna break soon
She’s gonna break

Welcome to her busy dizzy life
Of going out and getting high
And following all the latest trends
While shedding all her oldest friends
It’s been weeks worth of weekends
With fake I.D.s and fake passions of her best friends

[Chorus]

She’s been thinkin’ wishin’ she could hide
From the girls with the comments passing by
It’s the boys in bars on Friday night
That replace the emptiness inside
She’ll be spending her whole weekend
Faking laughs and faking smiles with her fake friends

[Chorus]

Promises you made back home
Are crumpled like the goodbye notes
And last night’s dirty clothes
Were on the floor next to the phone
And it’s been disconnected months ago
No calls from your friends back home
You lost your point of view and now
It’s got the best of got the best of got the best of you

[Chorus]

I’ve been down sizing my life.  Greatly.  Starting by getting rid of all this crap I’ve accumulated in recent years.

I gave away my prom dresses, all three, and my other formal wear.  Like I’ll ever fit into that shiznit ever again.  Ha.  And then I Threw away all my trash, and broken things, and things that I just can’t give to Good Will.  My room is far from empty but still it helps a lot.  I mean, I can’t get rid of my doll house…it has far too much sentimental value, I don’t care how childish it is.  I didn’t even get it when I was a child.  I was a full fleged teen.  And the stuff in it must have cost a small fortune.  And the chairs…they exactly match the ones that I grew up with in the kitchen.

While doing this stuff…I came across this old suit case, under my bed, next to my typewriter.  Inside are years and years of journals. From 2000 to 2004 maybe.  I used to write a lot.  It brought back my memories of THE ADAMS.  My Dad told me tonight that I should have dated Adam Hudson, and I didn’t deny it.  I wanted nothing more for four years, excepting the small 6 months with Adam and 9 months with Turd- I mean Ty.

I found old lover letters from Adam, my first love.  And I read them.  And then I felt sad.  I missed out on the college experience.  I’m  old now.  I’ll never know what he felt.  I’ll never know.  I really want to be drunk right now, and I’m not sure what that’s about except that I spent most of that relation ship, and most definantly the 6 months afterwars drunk off my ass.  It was the thing to do when I was 15-16.  And it was so freaking bad that I still don’t drink to this day.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs with the exception of prescriptions and caffeine.

I used to write all the time.  I used to come home from school and write.  However, this blog is really about other people…updating other people on my life.  Well guys, not much is really going on with my life.  I’m depressed.  I don’t know where I’m going to transfer to, I don’t have a clue what I want to do when I grow up, and all I really know is that I DO NOT want to go to the Art Institute.  I’m basically a failure.  I’ve dropped out of school, but SHHHHHsh.  Don’t tell anyone.  It was because of my sugery, my car accident, my pain and suffering, doctors visits, blah.  Because I’m a lazy slumbitch.  Really.

I probably should have written this a while ago.

First off, I haven’t been feeling so great for a while now.  First there was the car accident on January 6th, which ruined my snorkeling in Key West.

Then there was the combined bladder/kidney infection, which led to me taking lots of antibiotics and seeing the doctor twice, and getting an abdominal/renal ultrasound (From the outside).  This is the only type of ultrasound my parents think I’ve ever had.  How do I tell them that the doctor didn’t tell me I was going to get an endoscopic ultrasound? (But now I think they’re easier, faster).

Then I had my annual exam.  But it wasn’t with my doctor.  I don’t even know the doctors name who did it, but it did *not* hurt at all.  It was so quick.  It was weird.  And she didn’t ask me about weight gain, or sexual activity (although I wrote that all down on the paper before going in there).  But then I told her about the pain I’d been having for about a week or so, before that.  It was in the same spot as the pain I’d been having when I was 16.  She pressed on my ovary and said it feels ‘full’ and said I need to come back for an ultra sound. 

On Monday the pain was so bad, and worse when I got up, I stayed in bed and missed the jellyfish lab, which I couldn’t make up because of the doctor’s appointment on Friday.  Ugh.  Its never been that bad.  The rest of the week, I was aware of its presence but it wasn’t so horrible.

Then, yesterday, Friday….what a long day.  I had to take my car in for the 15,000 mile check up, and to get the radio fixed…which they didn’t do yet.  And I took it in at 7:30am and it took until after 3pm…with an appointment.  After they didn’t respond to my email appointment (which they did before) or the message I left, so by the time I got the car there it was screaming at me for an oil change.  Its a lot happier now, it drives so much better but it also has a new fuel injector.  All it needs now is a new radio!  Ha.

 After that I went to work, and started organizing some bills, while I waited for my Dad to take me home (work and car place are very close to each other…but not me, lol).  I came home and tried to study for my test on Monday.  Then my Dad took me to the doctor, because my car was in the shop (all the other visits, since the car accident, were all by myself ).  Actually, I drove the bronco on the way there because my Dad wanted to eat lunch.  I almost ran into something on the way in to the parking garage, ha.  My Dad took my spot and parked the huge thing in the teeny tiny almost nonexistant parking spaces.  Then we waited.  He read a bow hunting magazine, and I read a family magazine that had really cool kid’s rooms in it. 

This time, when I went in, the ultrasound tech was really nice, made sure I knew what I was going to happen, didn’t hurt me.  And she showed me my uterus, lining, and what exactly my ovaries were.  Last time the lady couldn’t find the right one, and told me the black spot was my ovary…my doctor later told me that was the cyst on the ovary.  The cyst this time looked huge.  It wasn’t black, as before.  You could see the walls of it, and whatever is inside of it (may be fluid, may be fatty tissue, may be…?).  The one I had last time was an inch across, but its gone now (I never felt a rupture, so it probably just got reabsorbed).  This one is 3.5 centimeters in diameter.

And they want to take it out.  Since the ovaries float in abdominal fluid (as anyone who has disceted anything knows organs are suspended in some type of fluid, especially if it squirts all over their lab coat on the first inscision), something hanging on it can cause it to flip over and cut off the blood supply.  The blood comes from the outer wall, if you make fists, bend your elbows  a little, and hold them close to your belly, that’s kind of how the ovaries are (only much smaller), and if the blood gets cut off then they will have to do an invasive sugery and remove the entire thing.  So…no more eggs or hormones from that side.

They will go in four small points, the first being my belly button.  The doctor told me that won’t leave a scar.  Haha, maybe because the belly button is already a scar? 

 So…that’s where I am in my life right now.  Nervous, but I can’t wait to get the thing out.  It hurs all the time.  And it will only get worse, and its gotten this bad in a week?  Ugh.