Blue_Oyster’s blog

I got myself into.

This semester was supposed to be easy.  Guess not.

 And work…I had the WORST night on Thursday night.  Because the kitchen kept fucking up.  I HATE THEM ALL.

But last night was much better.

However, today is going to be looooooooooooong.  And horrid.  I am not looking foreward to it.  Its Robert Burns dinner, and if you don’t know who that is I am sorry.  I am pretty sure its not going to turn out well as of last night Troy didn’t have the haggis ingredients, and Monica is going to be the only server working the party.  However, she can’t even handle 3 tables, so how is she going to handle 37 people?  O_O  I don’t know.  I wish someone would have thought this through.

We have a new server, however she is only 17 so she can’t touch any thing that may have some beer or wine or something in it.  So someone has to run all her drinks, and help her clear off her tables, but..Kymberli is freaking out because she is 6 weeks pregnant and…doesn’t stay in order to be doing that.  If she can’t then she needs to hire someone else.  A Bar back, a hostess who is 18, something.

At least I am not the shortest one there anymore.

Ha.

I’m off to scrub floors.

I’ve been trying to write a blog for about 24 hours.

At first it was my arm that stopped me, and then the doctor visit, and then Chinese food and snow.

 Sunday, January 6th, Mike, Greg, their mom, and I celebrated their mom’s birthday.  I drove over to Greg’s apartment, with Mike, and Greg took us over to where their Mom was staying.  We get there, give her our presents, and then decide we are going to Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner.  I ordered Penne pasta with chicken, Greg had ribs :p, and Mike and his mother both had the mini burgers.

I was so full after that.

We sat around the table talking for a while.  I was getting upset because for some reason conversation always starts around Troy, my work, how horrible the place is and everything.  And…my parents worked SO HARD for that place, I’ve worked so hard for that place. 

But then the Mom started telling stories about the boys when they were younger.

She once was sitting in the basement with her own Mom, knitting or something, and she said “I am so happy my boys are normal”  Her mom just stared at her.

Greg was sitting on the arm of the couch, picking all the lint from between his toes.

Mike was behind the couch, licking the condensation from the brick wall.

Hahaha.

We took her back to her house, and I stayed in the seat I had chosen, behind the driver’s seat in the back.  Now I know why I had chosen to sit there…because there was more room than if I’d have sat behind Mike.  Amazing what 3 inches does.

But, I’ll never remember why I did not put on my seat belt.  I *always* wear my seat belt.  I feel weird without it.

So we head back to Greg’s apartment, Greg and Mike start telling stories.  The last one I remember is about their bus driver, who was crazy, and once bought them ice cream.

I was not paying attention ….to anything really.  I believe I was thinking about how I was going to rape Mike once we got back into my car.  

But I remember the sound of crunching metal.  Horrible smelling smoke.  Not sure what was going on. 

Blinking, trying to clear my contacts.  “Oh, shit, my contacts popped out!  No, wait…I was wearing my glasses.  Where the hell are my glasses?”  I thought, as I pulled myself out from between the front two seats.  Mike found Greg’s glasses, and then mine, which had ended up in the front seat.

I got out of the car, and limped around to the other side, where Mike was.  My left anckle hurt. So. Bad.  But I could move it, and from previous injuries assumed that it was twisted, or sprained.

There were so many people around when I got out of the car.  I didn’t know who hit us, or who was what…where…when.

Mike was on his cell phone, sayine that there was an accident, and I was impressed he knew the make and model of the white Chevy truck.  I still don’t remember.

A nurse poped out of her car, asked if anyone was seriously hurt, that she was late for work, and left.

The police showed up fairly quickly.  Then the ambulance.

The paramedics checked us out.  Nothing hurt other than my anckle.

I seemed to notice my face felt numb, probably from hitting the seat.

 The white truck was driven by a 16 year old kid, who first said he had a green arrow, then that the light had just turned yellow and that he assumed we’d just stop.

There was another kid in the truck, who stayed.  He looked like he was 12 and I still don’t know how old he was.  A witness said he saw 3 kids jump out of the back and run.  There was a smashed bottle of pucker behind our car.

Each of those kids got their own cop to talk with.  At opposite ends of the blocked off area.  We didn’t really even have to give a statement.  They took our ids to see who we were, and then once Greg got insurance info, and tow truck info, we were ok to leave.

Mike called Orion to come and get us, but I’d called my mom.  I just wanted to go home.

My toes were freezing from standing on the pavement in my thin ballet flats.

So my parents came and got me, and took me home.  I was still in shock.

The next morning my anckle did not hurt at all.  My elbow however was swollen, and I couldnot move it too far in, or straighten it out, without wimpering in pain.  My right knee was bruise, with a small cut, and a large lump.

Mike and Greg were ok.  Their knees are bruised from the dashboard, and they’ve got rug burn type scrapes from the air bags and they’re sore, like me, but ok.

I went to the doctor yesterday, for my elbow, because I got a little worried.

It was fine, they took x rays, and not broken.

I’m just going to be sore for a while.

I leave for Ft L tomorrow at 4am.

I haven’t even packed.

I’ve been sick for a while.  I don’t really know what it is, I’m really sore between my shoulder blades and neck, my throat kinda wants to hurt, a cough here and there, but I’ve got a headache that won’t go away, and…I just feel blah.

 Mike on the other hand has a sinus infection as well as bronchitis.  Ugh.

But anyways, I’ve just started getting mean comments on youtube. One of them I couldn’t understand because it was like a dyslexic 12 year old trying to be cool. Or something.

Not to make fun od dyslexic people, because its real, I’ve got it, I had to go to therapy for it, its an every day battle, I just…try to type and write and such like a normal person.

Two weeks ago Three nights in a row I’d put a ticket in the window for Cindy that said “CHX CARD” which was supposed to be “chx carb” which means Chicken carbonara. Proof that learning disabilities will always get the best of me. It was seriously funny though.

I don’t know exactly where my camera is other wise I’d be posting some cool christmas party pics, but…I can’t, lol. It was fun, even though I felt so ill. I went home early. However, I attached Sean’s face in the kitchen…Cindy and I did. He’s one of those gamers who just sits there eating and playing and doesnt care about how he looks and he grows these enormous zits, the biggest blackheads I’ve ever seen (Except for Josh, maybe its in their genes or something, probably just the lazyness)!!! And…I’ve got this horrible urge to reach out and *SQUEEZE* them.

Afterward, I really wished I hadn’t.

But they’re not staring at me anymore.

However they will probably be back the next time I see him.

I hope I’ll feel well enough to work out tomorrow, I really want to.

I had a great Christmas. I don’t know if I wrote about this before but somehow I managed to dent both of my front wheels, and not blow out a tire. So I needed new ones, and to get two of the same ones I’ve already got (standard, uglayyyy!) would be $800.

So I was saving up for some shiny new chrome ones, when christmas rolled around and the only thing that I *needed* were wheels. SO that’s what I got. And they’re pretty.

Mike got me an amazing present. I was floored when I opened the teeny tiny little box.

I don’t know how he knew…I didn’t even think to ask for it.

http://www.gemaffair.com/images/MYSTIC_OVAL.jpg

Mystic topaz.  :O  Earrings.  Only they’re circles, not ovals like the pic.

So. Pretty.

I’ve always wanted some…but my Dad would kill me if I ever bought some for myself.  He’s a geologist you know. Its just normal topaz, not sure what color, synthetic, with some sort of coating on it that makes it so pretty.  But, with time the coating may wear off and leave you with a dull stone.

But Mike bought them for me and they’re so pretty, I’m so impressed that he knew I wanted it.    That boy amazes me every day.

But the reason I’m actually making this post, instead of *thinking* about making one is this:

I had this unhealthy obsession with this girl on bolt. I don’t even remember her sn…odd, I know for such an obsession. Right now I don’t even really remember much about her…just that I thought she was a very attractive tattooed creature. She had problems with her dad, and she had a sister, but for some reason her sister ended up on my myspace friends list.

In bolts final days she posted many pictures of herself, and I (being my creepy ass stalker self) saved them. Then she randomly compared herself to Audrey Hepburn, and…well, I kind of…lost interest.

Back then:

And today:

I guess that I’m happy she hasn’t over dosed on something and has gotten healthy. Maybe I just thought she’d stay young forever. I think she, and am sure her sister, had problems with ana, and I know the sister has gotten over it. I was just in awe though.

But who am I to talk? I’ve gained 30lbs in the last 3 years. Ugh.

And I’ve been trying.

I just haven’t been working out for two hours each day like I used to.

I don’t know how I did it.

I’ve got problems.

Ive got subscribers.

But I don’t get comments or anything…

 New hair and stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZF8jrsQcsk

I ramble a lot in my videos.

Yadda yadda.

I CANT WAIT FOR SCHOOL TO BE DONE WITH.

I need a break.

I’m going to Key West in January

I haven’t updated in a while, forever it seems.

My boss was demoted, he’s now just a manager of managers basically, instead of general manager.  We have a new general manager, a  woman, and I’m very optimistic about it.  I know that something needs to change, and maybe this is it.  But I’m not sure how qualified she really is.  What I do know is that we all needed her on Friday night.  We were super busy, and she was the one who helped everyone out; seating people, making salads, soups, and desserts.  Doing whatever anyone needed.  She even did half the back dish (pots and pans) before the dishwasher got there.  Its always piled up super high.

 I joined youtube for an outlet of my obsession.  I seriously thought about starting a blog for this sort of thing, but I really don’t think I’ve got the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5bGB0QxcAw

I know, my camera sucks, I’ll get a new one once I’ve got the money.  Which may be a while.

 Mike and I are going through a rough spot.  We have been for a while.  I think he’s stressed and depressed to  a breaking point.  He’s got debt, and now even more for the truck his work made him buy, and a crappy job.  Plus, they’re in a slow season.  His last paycheck was less than mine (my server one, I mean.  I work 15 hours @ $3/85, and then 5 @ $6, you do the math, plus I pay taxes on my tips cuz I’ve got no choice and that comes out of my hourly)

To make things worse I’ve been freaking out about school.  I don’t know where I’m going to transfer, I don’t know what I want to do and I can’t transfer without knowing what type of school I should go to.  So I changed my plan to get an a of arts, not science, focus more on anthropology and history, and take it one semester at a time.  I may be taking classes this summer.  *dies*

Today is Mike’s birthday.  I made him a cake.  A vanilla bundt cake.  That just so happened to be shaped like a castle.

I bought him a tackle box, and filled it with various fishing items, because when we went on that camping trip seemingly so long ago I found out that he doesn’t have one.  And that all he’s got is power bait.  And that he needs new line depserately.  So I bought him lots and lots of thingys that I thought he would like.

 And he does

Right now he is playing DDO with onion at Max.  I drove his truck home so that I wouldn’t be sitting there bored as ever, making him feel bad.  I’ll just have to go back and get him when he’s finished.  Some time.  Probably in the wee hours of the morning.

But…my last birthday was the best one *ever* and I wanted his to be just as good. 

I left him with promises of some oral love once we get back here.

But…

I was reading “The House Wife Next Door” blog and came across this:

“Finding out that Phillip was a virgin both excited me and scared me. I so badly wanted to fuck him…SO badly. But I didn’t want to rush him. I didn’t want him to feel like he was being used, nor did I want him to feel pressured.  I knew it was inevitable. We were in love, the passion was mounting and it was only a matter of time.  I can still remember rubbing his cock through his jeans until he came. The nymph inside me wanted to just reach inside his pants and feel it, but he was bringing out the good girl in me, if only temporarily.  I can remember wanting to beg him to slip his fingers in my cunt, but being afraid he would think I was a tramp.  When the day came that he finally did decide to explore my body completely it was maddening!! “

And it brought back my memories of Tyler.

I was a good girl, for him. I didn’t ditch a single class my single year. I didn’t drink or smoke anymore, because …what athelete would do that? Not the good ones, and Tyler was the captian of the boys track team, and me of the girl’s. So it just made sense that we got together.

But right now I can’t remember why. He was always the younger smart kind in my math class, and the insanely good distance runner. I…was me. I was good a sprints, jumps, art, english, anything but math. But for some reason we both sent each other singing Valentine’s grams. With the “Crush” song. And then we started dating, watching movies together.

Then, (this is kinda creepy) his parents had their 25th wedding anniversary and Tyler had the house to himself. We started watching “Hooshiers” the basketball movie about the small town team from Indiana. I only know this because I used to be obsessed with it, before that night. He slipped his hands under my shirt and unhooked my bra. First time he’d ever done that. Somehow we got naked, all the while making out, like teenagers do. Then he picked me up and carried me to his room. This skinny distance runner carried the buff sprinter to the bed. And dropped me. lol.

I didn’t even think about it. I didn’t care that he was a virgin anymore. I just wanted him to hump my brains out. And he wasn’t bad for a first time. He even pulled out, though he didn’t have to, as I was on the pill even then.

Afterward, I freaked out. I had always said that a virgin should always lose it to another virgin. That’s how I lost it, that’s the best way. Escept for love, idk, I loved my first. Then I realized that I was freaking the poor boy out so I kissed him on the cheek and searched for my panties.

We humped like rabbits after that. In his car, in front of my house mostly.

Then he gave me mono, I graduated, started college, he broke up with me, and I was over it in 2 days.

Tell me why it took two years to find another guy?

I didn’t even love Tyler, it was like we were friends, track buddies, that just happened to hump. I never said “I love you” and neither did he. But it lasted 9 months.

That was my longest relationship. Until just now. With Mike. The best guy in the world.

10 months.

*sigh*

I just realized yesterday that I’ve gained…30 lbs.  I now weigh 145, which it the most I’ve ever weighed in my life.  I’ve been feeling fat and unhappy, but now my size 11 pants aren’t fitting… HOW did I let myself get like this?

I’ve been eating healther than I was before, but now I’m going on a diet.  Not just *healthier* but *healthy*

I was looking at wedding pics from the summer right after high school.  I was hot, man.  HOT.  I should post those pics.  But that would require a scanner.  Hmmm.

And yesterday I did 30 minutes of cardio and then really worked on streches.  Then I went to the machines and worked every muscle group in my legs, thinking about each individual muscle as I went, and then I did some lat pull down because my arms were feeling a little left out.

Next I went to the pool, however they were giving lessons and the only thing open, other than the slide, was the hot tub, so I sat in there for a while and masaged my legs to increase blood flow and remove lactic acid faster.  Less lactic acid= less sore muscles. 

Then I went to work and spent all night running up and down the stairs and freaking out.

My boss trapped me in the corner and asked me if he was getting fired.

I told him that no one tells me anything because I can’t keep a secret because once my Mom told me what she got my Dad for his birthday, and I was so excited I *told* him that same day.

I can see why some people may think I’m a retarded dumb blonde.  I do have my moments, however…I can play that card really well.  And I didn’t even think about it until last night when I realized I was doing it.

Someone once said that I haven’t got it all upstairs…

I don’t know who.

But I think I’ve got more than they do, if they couldn’t tell I was playing that card to get out of whatever situation it was.

I’m trying to be what you want me to be
But it’s so damn hard to keep playing the part of the fool
Week after week
Is this all going to be just another time
That we play this game
I’ve tried to convince you that things could be different
but somehow they end up the same
But what did you expect from me
What am I supposed to do
You say that you’re starting to feel like you’re getting lost
Well I do too

I don’t want to live this lie again
I know I’ll get it right but I don’t know when
I’ll open my eyes
I’ve got something inside
I’ll just jack off in my room until then

Blink 182- Wiggy

 Internets are out at my house.

I think I’m depressed.

Made a new friend out of my study partner, I hope.

Still with the boyfriend as of today.  Though we’ve had our moments.  I think we’re both depressed.  He’s got debt, no place to call his own, a whiney old stupid blonde girlfriend like me, a lazy ass best friend, and a boss he hates.  I’ve got…sad feelings. 

And a shiny new purple gel-ish vibrator.    That’s nice and thick, but the texture of the wiggles on the outside will take some time getting used to.

I’ve got myself a Betta.  She’s purple and blue and the prettiest female betta you’ll find anywhere.  *heart*  I’ve been thinking about breeding bettas, but I don’t think that’s really something I want to do.

Well, I’m off to learn about nerves, and the nervous system and all the derrivatives of the nervous system, and blah blah.  Though I did much better on my last lab test than I ever have before.

Since Bio 111

haha

I fear that I am going to ruin this relationship I’ve got.

I’m overly sensitive, easily upsettable, and…I just feel so depressed all the time.  I don’t know if I can make it through the next 3 months, and have not hurt mike so bad that he will never talk to me again.

 I’m really really happy one minute, however that feeling won’t last if something doesn’t go as planned, or how I would like it to. 

And its day 4 of my new pill, Loestrin Fe, the 4 day period pill.  And I’m spotting. 

Tell me if I’m too mean here, tell me if I’m a selfish, worthless bitch that needs to die.  Or tell me if I’m right in getting upset over these texts.

All texts, all the way they were typed into the phones:

Me: I be done soooooon!

Him: Um josh is going to buy me dinner. and I’d kinda like to play for a while but I would love to sleep with you

Me: Hate you.

Me: You know what?  I’ve got a bed at home.  I’m going to sleep in it tonight and save an 8th a tank of gas. and you can plas as fucking late as you like.

Him: That’s not nice! Did you want to eat with me?  And I wasn’t gonna stay really fucking late i was thinking around fucking But thats ok I don’t want to see you anymore tonight anyway

Me: Go to hell.

Him: You can hate me all you want. But I love you.  i will always love you.

Me: You always give up time withme for games that will be there tomorrow.  Maybe I won’t. I’m getting sick of this shit.

Him: I didn’t know you would be done so early I was hungry. I’m sorry and you’re mean you can come here and eat with us.

Him: I would leave right now but I don’t have my truck.

Me: Don’t bother. stay.

Him: No and stop telling me what to do

Me: I don’t know how to deal anymore.  im used to getting all the attention i need and thats not happening any more. atm I don’t want half assed from you. i do so much for you and what do i get back? love doesn’t mean u care.

Him: You made me cry in front of josh and ryan and and crystal

Me: I’m so upset. you’ve made me cry more than anyone. i’m just tired of being upset and getting my way because i’m mad. and you making me guilty cuz i’m mad.

Him: I want to die now! my god I feel like I’m gonna puke. And now I can’t do anything about it cause I have no money and no car.

Me: I am going to take a shower and go to bed. ill talk with you tomorrow if you will let me.  i still love you when I’m upset.

Him: Fine. Appearantly I’m not right for you.  You don’t like me I’m so sorry. So very sorry.

Him: I threw up

Him: I wish I were dead

Me: Can i talk to you sometime? in person? i need to.

Him: So you can dump me?

Me: So I can make you understand why i’m  mad.

Him: ok

Me: Ca;; me at lunch tomorrow please. I said I still love you even when i’m mad.

Him: ok.

And the letter I just wrote to him:

Dear Mike

I love you dearly…you’re a good person…blah blah

I’m writing this because I don’t think you understand how I feel.  I only get to see you on a certain number of days, others are completely off limits, no matter how I feel, not even if I really need you. 

The only times I get to see you, you’re dead tired.  I know you work very hard all day.  However you also stay up far too late. As a girlfriend, for lack of better words, I’m getting screwed.  I try and make you happy, I help you out when you don’t have money, …food, gas, blah blah…and all the thanks I get is “I want to stay and play more” when its supposed to be your night with me.

I drive many miles to be with you, if its at all humanly possible, whenever you want.  What do you do for me?  To make me feel loved, happy?

You said you puked.  You think I didn’t? I was so upset my body went numb, my hands were tingling, my stomach still hasn’t settled down.  I’m all out of tears and my head hurts.

I get so mad because you say you’re sorry but then you go and do the same thing over and  over and over.  That doesn’t seem like sorry to me.

You never break a night with them unless you haven’t seen me in days, but you’ll break a night with me every single chance you get.  Every single one.

I want a change.  Maybe we both need to change.  But if nothing changes I don’t think I can handle this much longer.

Love

Tamara

The “…” means I skipped some boring parts.  so does “blah blah”

I don’t know what to do.

I’m lost.

This is such a fucking stupid issue.

But I’m jealous of the time he spends with them.  I’m jealous and he’s known that from the beginning.  I get more and more upset each time he tells me that he doesn’t want to see me because he wants to keep playing.

He stopped by work to see me and man was I happy.  I was so fucking happy, I was walking on clouds, nothing could go wrong, I rocked my job, then I got that first text message from him.  And with each one I got more and more pissed off.

Games shouldn’t interfere with life.  Addictions shouldn’t interfere with life.

I’m sorry my wonder muffin.